It is 2 o'clock in the afternoon and I am sitting in my flat with all the lights on. Two of my coats are hung on a door drip-drying. My cat is looking solemnly through her flap and thinking better of venturing outside. It is, to be perfectly honest, bloody horrible. A platter of grey with a side of spitting rain. Nevertheless, we are entering summer. I know this because I double-checked my calendar. So it must be time to start thinking about T-shirts.
My favourite is the plain white tee. While wearing one I fancy myself to have a hint of the brooding Marlon Brando about me (I obviously don't, but indulge my pathetic fantasy, please). Unfortunately there is an ethical conundrum with this wardrobe staple. As soon as I pull a white tee on, something happens to my co-ordination. If I'm wearing a dark top, I never spill food. Or dribble orange juice down my front. Put me in a white tee, though, and I develop the food and drink-wrangling skills of a newborn. It's embarrassing. And no matter what these washing-powder makers say, it is never easy to get stains out of white clothes. There will always remain, in my experience, a faint ghost of where I dropped a bit of chilli con carne or pea soup or whatever on to my chest. And that won't do.
Consequently I tend to buy cheap white T-shirts – I favour Uniqlo crewnecks – and then get new ones every time I ruin them. And that's the ethical worry. Of course I'd much rather buy one or two lovely high-quality tees which would last for ages. APC and Alexander Wang do some beautifully soft, well-fitting ones. But I don't trust myself. Perhaps the thing to do is invest in a bib. Does anyone make adult bibs? And if not, why not? There's a clear gap in the market. Note to self: start business producing Trendy Adult Bibs. TABs. Potential angel investors feel free to get in touch.
Beyond the pale, there is a multitude of options. Stripes seem to be "in", although to be fair, stripes have been in for, and this is not an exaggeration, all of living memory. I wouldn't be surprised if Neolithic cave-dwellers went nutty for a bit of furry Breton. Floral patterns are also blooming (thank you) everywhere. If you must wear a floral-print tee, at least have the decency to team it with plain everything else. Clashing prints give me a headache.
A quick word on fit and style: never wear tight T-shirts. Never wear plunging V-neck T-shirts. If you obey those two simple rules, you will look fine. If you do not, you will look like a berk. A berk from Towie.
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